How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?

Shoot one.

 

What’s the definition of a minor second?

Two flutists playing in unison.

 

What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?

No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

 

What’s the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your pants?

Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares.

 

What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the bassoon recital.

 

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?

So they can park in handicapped zones.

 

What’s the definition of a nerd?

Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

 

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?

Gifted.

 

What’s the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?

You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner’s neighbors are upset if you borrow the mower and don’t return it.

 

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five.  One to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would’ve done it.

 

If you were lost, who would you ask for directions- an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?

The out-of-tune tenor sax player!  The other two would indicate you’ve been hallucinating.

 

How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax?

Add vibrato.

 

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five.  One to handle the bulb and the other four to tell him how much better they could’ve done it.

 

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?

Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

 

What’s the definition of a gentleman?

Someone who knows how to play trombone but doesn’t.

 

What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?

Skid marks in front of the snake.

 

What’s the difference between a dead country singer in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?

The country singer may’ve been on the way to a recording session.

 

What’s the range of a tuba?

Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm.

 

What’s a tuba for?

1 ½” X 3 ½”.

 

Why do drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?

So they don’t disgrace themselves in a parade.

 

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.

 

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  (They have machines to do that now.)

 

What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig?

“Would you like fries with that, sir?”

 

What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?

Drool.

 

What’s the definition of a quarter tone?

A harpist tuning unison strings.

 

Why are pianists’ fingers like lightning?

They rarely strike the same spot twice.

 

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?

The bow is moving.

 

Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?

Both are offensive AND inaccurate.

 

What do violinists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

 

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?

Sit in the back and don’t play.

 

How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?

No one knows when to come in.

 

What’s the difference between a violist and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.

 

How do you get a violist to play a downbow Staccato?

Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.

 

Why are violins smaller than violas?

They’re really the same size.  Violinists’ heads are larger.

 

What’s the difference between a cello and a viola?

The cello burns longer.

 

What’s the difference between a cello and a coffin?

The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?

So you don’t have to retrain the cellists.

 

Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?

He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell him which one.

 

A bass player we know was so bad that even the section noticed.

 

How many bass layers does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  The piano player can do that with his left hand.

 

What’s the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?

Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

 

How does a soprano change a light bulb?

She just holds it and the world revolves around her.

 

What’s the difference between a soprano and the PLO?

You can negotiate with the PLO

 

What’s the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?

The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

 

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end—it would be a good idea.

 

What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

 

What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

A bull has the horns in front and the ass in back.

 

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?

Who cares?

 

What’s the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?

The sack.

 

Why are conductors’ hearts coveted for transplants?

They’ve had so little use.

 

Musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor.  Is told he is dead.  Calls back 25 times.  Same message from receptionist.  Receptionist asks why he keeps calling.  “I just like to hear you say it.”

 

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

To get away from the noise.

 

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?

Give him a sheet of music.

 

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?

When you plug them in, they suck.

 

How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb?

One, two, three.  One, two, three.

 

 

“Hey, buddy.  How late does the band play?”

“Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer.”